Archives for : Christmas

Amazon Logistics

Dear Amazon,

Once again I must contact you relating to poor service from a courier charged with delivering items bought from yourself.

Item 026-xxxxxxx-xxxxxxx, although delivered on the correct date, it did not arrive before 20:30. I’m sure you appreciate the importance of deliveries arriving during a reasonable time frame. All other couriers manage to deliver during office hours.

With the next consecutive item, 026-xxxxxxx-xxxxxxx, the courier abandoned the items in a hanging basket by our front door. Something that is not visible until you exit the house.

The latest (and consecutive) item did not arrive on the day specified. The tracking page which barely qualifies as such due to its spartan information still says “It’s out for delivery”, and is “Expected 30 Nov”.
Even a plumber can give you an expected time. The person who services the gas manages to state AM/PM.
I learned via twitter, and not your own help team, that the courier in question, Amazon Logistics, continues to deliver until 21:00! This sort of information should be somewhere in the tracking email. Customers should not have to learn this from a random person from social media who stumbles upon a tweet, replying in a ‘me too’ fashion.

What annoys me is the fact that you have my mobile phone number which was registered with yourselves to receive tracking updates. Not one update has been received for anything purchased with Amazon. There has been no text saying a courier is delivering to us next, no call or email to say package 202-xxxxxxx-xxxxxxx would not be delivered on the specified date. Nothing.

The courier you used previously confirmed receipt of a package. They then emailed early in the morning of the delivery date giving a 1 hour window in which the delivery would take place, and a link to a page showing where the van is using GPS tracking. Only once did I receive an item outside of the specified 1 hour, the item arrived 3 minutes early.
I’m sure you can see the differences between the professional courier (DPD) and Amazon Logistics.

I would appreciate it if you could contact me with the following:
Where package 202-xxxxxxx-xxxxxxx is and the time and date it will arrive here, preferably within a 2 hour window.
Confirmation that future items will be delivered by a professional courier, preferably DPD.



I’m sharing this across Twitter, Google+ and Facebook. I’m curious to see how people respond.

Scientific Proof Santa Doesn’t Exist

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau).

Assuming an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that computes to 108 million homes – presuming there is at least one good child in each.

Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the  remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh, and get onto the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household. This amounts to a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or smoke breaks.
This means Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second–3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element.
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousands tonnes, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the “flying” reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can’t be done with eight or even nine of them—Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tonnes, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). 600,000 tonnes travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance – this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth’s atmosphere.
The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 G’s. An 18 stone Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a dribbling mess of twitching innards.

Therefore, if Santa ever did exist, he’s dead now!